Speaking Straight

It's time I got back to the original purpose of this blog...and tell you just a bit of my story. I originally wrote this blog to encourage people struggling with various and sundry things. The inspiration for this blog was my own personal story. I used to be what they call a ''cutter.'' But more than that, as the (modified) saying goes, ''Confused was my name, self harm was my game. I want to be far more intentional with this blog, and far more to the point. Up until now, I've put vague things on this blog; vague ideas, vague suggestions, and vague hints of hope. But most of the time, in my experience anyway, vague really doesn't cut it. There's something about ''direct-and-to-the-point'' that I've always appreciated. So right now, sitting in my apartment with some amount of ''free time'' on my hands, let me be direct-and-to-the-point. If you are struggling with depression, self injury, OCD, anxiety, eating struggles (too much, or too little), if you have been ''diagnosed'' with some type of psychiatric diagnosis (and there are many including but not limited to depression, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, OCD, anxiety, and many more) then I would encourage you to read the following story. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what you should or shouldn't do, what medication ''works best,'' what support group I went to or avoided. I'm not going to complain about my life or brag about my problems. I'm not going to complain about my childhood, and I'm not going to blame God, my friends, or my family for the choices I made, consciously or subconsciously. I'm going to tell you a story, I'm going to tell you what I've discovered and am discovering. You can take it or leave it at your discretion...and yes, you do have discretion believe it or not; and you can make decisions for either good or ill.

When I was 14ish I was wrestling in my mind with many questions. I've always liked information said to me straight, disliking when people beat around the bush expecting me to pick up on their message. At the time, I felt very much like things weren't being told to me straight. And for this reason and that, I took it out primarily on God, first, and my parents second.

...now HOLD on...yes, I just said God, which presupposes that there is one. Some of you reading this may still be stuck on THAT question (which is fine so long as you seek an answer instead of staying stuck there). So before I go further let me say this: I'm not going to try to convince you that there is or isn't a God. Let me speak to you straight once again. If you want to pick a fight by arguing, there's no fight here; take that up with someone else. If you legitimately want to know if there is a God, I've got a solution...If God is who He says He is (and He says, ''If you seek me you will find me'') then I, the author of one blog, am not the answer to your deepest questions. But I will say this...if you want to know if God is real or not, speculatively speaking don't you think you can ask Him? If God doesn't exist, there will certainly be no harm in asking. And if He does exist, then I'm thinking He's God enough to deal with your questions, your anger, and your fear...in His time, in His way, and on His terms. But within that, know that the God I know is a God of mercy. When I finally asked, He answered, in His time, the questions I struggled with most. I still have questions, I still don't know many answers. But I know a lot more than I used to, and, most importantly, I know enough to walk forward.

That being said, on to the story. I walked away from religion and God, along with any semblance of ''family'' I'd had just prior to that. My family is cool. I like my brothers and sisters and parents most of the time...now. At that time, I wasn't so interested in them. And, besides, it's fun to have a story, right? So, as I was angry, young, and impulsive, I did a lot of stuff that I look back on now and can only say was foolishness. In my 14-17 year old mind, however, it made all kinds of sense. Lesson number one (here's the speaking straight part): just because you feel smart doesn't mean you are.

''What did she do?'' you might be asking. Lots of things. But the point of this story is not WHAT I did, but WHY I stopped. (You'll notice I didn't say HOW at this point...more to follow on that). You already know enough about me to know I had issues...had? I guess I still do, but they are different. Probably in ten years I could write a blog about my now issues just like now I'm writing about my then ones:). So imagine this...foolishness, bad decisions, and a few consequences later (oh, yeah, and did I mention a few YEARS as well?) I'm out back...WAY back in the back yard (something like 5 acres I believe) and I'm getting ready to enter into ''foolish-phase-four'' (to be honest, I don't know what number it was, but it was passed two for sure). And I was getting ready to enter into addiction number...let me think...4 ish? And that's when I was shaken to my senses. I am NOT the girl who preaches about how God talks to you audibly, nor how, if you dance hard enough, stay on your knees long enough, etc., God will do what you want. Far from it. But every now and then, God has communicated with me straight-and-to-the-point. Why? My guess is because that's how He created me. (Please don't wait for Him to copy the methods He used with me on you. He might pick a much more personal way to get YOUR attention).

Ok, back to the story...getting ready to enter addiction number 4, right? And God spoke to my heart, ''If you keep going down this path, you'll die.'' There you go...straight-and-to-the-point. And straight to my heart. But there was one problem...''God, I HATE YOU!''...but....''but if You're not who people have made you out to be, I need you to show me.''

(Like I said, if God is God, He can deal with you and you're questions and issues with Him. And you might as well speak to Him straight, although with the utmost respect, because He, out of anyone, knows exactly what's going on in your mind anyway).

The next couple of months God DID show me with stories, with people, etc. One of my biggest struggles at the time was the idea of coming back to God meaning I had to be a ''Perfect Christian'' again, with all the real and perceived pressures and pain that comes with being the daughter of church leadership. This legitimate fear God addressed directly, leaving me without excuse. Imagine this...it's the first day of speech class. Mrs. Smith says, ''welcome to speech class! You're first assignment, and the one assignment that will define you're grade for the rest of the course, is as follows: you have one minute to prepare a 20 minute speech. Have fun!''

WHAT? That's just ridiculous...but that's what I expected God to tell me about Christian life. And He used the speech class analogy to show me that that's NOT who He is, nor should I fear that He is like Mrs. Smith in said analogy.

And then I knew I had to make a decision...I could follow God, or I could continue to walk away from Him. But I also knew, and still know, that walking away from Him would lead to one place...death. So, I went back to Him.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything got better after that. Well, it did for a while, but then it got even HARDER in many ways (enter in more foolish decisions on my part, along with the repercussions of prior foolish decisions). But there was a difference...I wasn't running away from God, I was running toward Him. Well, at least most of the time.

So how (yes, this time I said how) did I ditch the...was it 4?...addictions? I don't have an easy answer. I didn't just stop, although I think I probably could have had I really wanted to. It took 3 years to work through the self harm issue. It was AFTER many trips here and there. It was after being told, straight, that ''it doesn't matter what happened to you, but how you choose to deal with it.'' And, finally, it took a woman whom I loved dearly to tell me I could keep buying knives as long as I wanted but it would get me nowhere. It was then I realized that her love wasn't hinging upon me having a problem. If anything, my ''problem'' was hurting the relationship not helping it; though I knew she would love and care for me regardless, even if it was ''tough love'' that was required. (She was a ''mom'' type friend. You know, the kind who gives you a ''mom hug'' when you need it most and your mom is inaccessible? Yup, a big blessing).

So I never cut again...well ALMOST never. Here is my little confessional...that was in 2009. In 2010 I started to twice. In 2011 I started to again. And in 2013 (Oh, wait, that's this year! ugh!) I started to again. But thanks be to God for His Sovereign hand. Thank God for lightbulb moments when I asked myself WHAT am I doing? Thank God for the friends who I could e-mail to genuinely ask for prayer. Thank God for the pastors who called at those ''random'' moments when I didn't want to use my head anymore. Thank God for the friends who were willing to look me straight in the eye and say, ''STOP! I don't know why you're back to that dark place, but STOP!'' As I said...speak straight! Yup, I might cry, but it's better than me keeping on keeping on in foolishness. So when I say I started, I must tell you, with so much relief and thankfulness, that I didn't slide back to the pattern of continuing it...and that is Mercy!

So here's my moment to speak straight with you. Yup, sometimes life stinks. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. Sometimes the darkness crowds in. Sometimes we make choices we regret. Don't finish there. Don't keep walking if you see the light is red. STOP! For crying out loud, just STOP. And if you have that annoying feeling that you just CAN'T stop, than find help...the real kind of help from people who will tell you what you NEED to hear, not what you WANT to hear. And LISTEN to what they say...even if it takes you 3 days to admit what they said was true.