Running Shoes

This week, God asked me to give up my running shoes. In my mind, I was thinking more of the Runaway Bride than turning in some grass stained track shoes that my brother might have worn during his cross country meets. In this movie, Maggie Carpenter has a problem. For every man who loves her, for every man whom she walks down the isle for, she gets panicked and runs, rides, rushes away as fast as she can before she has a chance to say "I do." You see, Maggie has a problem really being herself. And when push comes to shove, she realizes that the men who have waited for her at the end of the isle don't really know her. So, filled with terror and regret, she runs like there's no tomorrow!

And, while I've never run out on a wedding, I've run out on a lot of other things. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally and mentally, but the results are the same. I never could really believe that I was safe. Until a couple of days ago, when God brought up the issue of fear in me...fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal, fear of shattered dreams, fear of life, and pretty much anything else you can think of. And as I noticed this fear sneaking into a very important relationship, hindering them from flourishing, I knew I had to speak up and tell a very important person to me that I was operating in fear. And after telling him, and after praying about it for a couple of days, God showed me something very important. Afraid, I might be, but run I cannot!

You see, in my mind I've always been a runner (though put me in an honest to goodness pair of running shoes and I'll give you a thousand reasons why I just can't go outside and jog a mile:-)). For many years, that's how I've stayed safe. If someone was causing my heart pain, I would leave them there, in that room, and let my mind disappear into peaceful oblivion. Sound familiar? Sound crazy? Well, there it is. And sometimes, when I was so overwhelmed I just could not face what was in front of me, my jaw would set and I would, quite literally, walk out of the room, sometimes almost shaking, because I just didn't know what else I could possibly do.

So when God asked me to give him my running shoes, like Maggie, it wasn't such a crazy request...She NEEDED to give up her running shoes! And she gave them to the man who married her. For her, that was a very important choice. And for him that was the most meaningful gift she could have given. Why? Because she basically told him, in one bold action, "I'm choosing to trust that you have my best at heart. I'm choosing to love you even if it hurts because, if I don't, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. So even though this is the hardest, most painful thing for me to give up (because it's been my safety net each time until now) I have to give them to you. If I don't, I'll never really get to know that it's ok." And I, like Maggie, had to give God my running shoes. He showed me this...for many years, those shoes kept me emotionally safe. I used those shoes to protect my heart. But my continual use of them created a pattern in me. A pattern of NEVER trusting anyone, not even God, to care for me. I always had to be ready to run. And if I could run, I would be safe. I'd say things like, "Oh, if this doesn't work our, it's fine. I can just leave."

So a couple of nights ago, I gave God my running shoes. And you know what, He showed me a very freeing thing, "My precious daughter, you are safe now. You don't need those anymore. I've got you." Am I gonna get hurt? Probably. But God's gonna take me away if it's necessary, I don't have to run. I cannot tell you how freeing it was to give those shoes up. I clung to them for years as my one sure and certain safety, never realizing that the one thing I clung to to keep my freedom, was the one thing that kept me bound. I cannot tell you how much emotional energy it takes to be ready to run on a moments notice! I'm so excited to see what God does in me...what He does now that I've stopped running.:-)

In Christ,
Hopeful