Songs such as ''The Last Night'' by Skillet and ''Scream'' by ZoeGirl all describe aspects of the issue of self injury in one way or another. In the midst of research and looking for resources (please see my updated Resources page) and stories of freedom and hope from others, I was reminded of several pieces of my story, and several things that others did to encourage me. I will write about some of them right now.
When I was 19 years old, I struggled with self injury in various ways. But one thing that I will never forget is the impact of several people, and one family in particular, on how I viewed myself. At one point during some of my darkest years I lived with a family who rented a room out of their house for me to use. They didn't just rent a room though, they tried, in every way possible, to minister to me on a level that I needed at the time. The parents in said family did everything they could to encourage me toward growth and change. These things including, but were not limited to, encouraging me to go to a Recovery group at my church while offering to help with transportation, being watchful of what was going on with me and being willing to confront me when my emotions were getting out of hand, and recommending doctors, counselors, and even in-patient treatment when things got complicated. But out of all the things they did, one stands out above the rest. One evening I had wounds on my arms, and the parents of this family sat, one on either side of me, and put antibiotic ointment on the wounds and then prayed for me. They told me, ''If Jesus walked into this room right now, the first thing He would do is not tell you to stop cutting. I think the first thing He would do is tend to your wounds.''
There was so much power in that...and a lot of truth. I saw the heart of Jesus through them in that moment. At the time I found the love of God difficult to believe. Amidst the lies I told myself, amidst the craving for anyone to show me any sort of care or love, somehow I was totally blinded to the fact the God loved me. And the fact that He would come and care that I was wounded, even though it was my own fault, was beyond anything I could have imagined. In a way, it's like what Lanae Hale discovered Psalm 147:3 ''He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds'' (NKJV) (See my last blog post here) and realized that God was God enough to heal her. To minister to the core of who she was and lead her to wholeness.
There was another woman whom God really used to show me his love. I still smile when I remember this...one day she said to me, ''I need to ask you something, don't get weirded out or anything...but I think God gave me this idea, and I really want to do it for you if it's OK with you.'' She explained to me that she'd bought an assortment of colored, permanent markers, and she wanted to use them to write truths about who I am in Christ anywhere on my body that I wanted to cut myself. The rule was I was NOT allowed to cut on the writing...sounds crazy, but it was a BEAUTIFUL thing for me. She wrote so many things, in so many colors (I LOVE colors!)...things like ''You're beautiful'' and ''You are a princess'' and ''no cutting.'' She told me ''You're going to cover your arms anyway, so you might as well cover up something good.'' She did that for me for probably about a year. Honestly, it was huge. First of all, it was accountability. I KNEW she was serious about me not behaving that way. And I knew it made her so happy when I told her I hadn't hurt myself. This was hugely motivating for me. But most significant in this, like the story above, was the fact that I had proof, physical, visual proof, that I was loved. A real, flesh and blood person loved me in a very tangible way, and it was a reminder of the oh-so-illusive fact that God, Himself loved me.
So what can you do? Maybe you can or maybe you can't encourage someone with those specific examples, but I think, for me anyway, the biggest thing I got from both was the knowledge that I was loved. It wasn't just words, it was actions. My heart's cry was a lot the same as JJ Heller expresses her in her song What Love Really Means (video below) and that was a heart cry that God answered through many people, including those listed above. I am so thankful to God for them and for the many others (and yes, there were MANY) who prayed for me, walked with me, answered my phone calls at 1 AM, talked me into hanging out with people, gave me a hug when I needed it most, didn't put up with the lies I told myself, and in many other ways loved me with the love of God. The first place to start is love.
''Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.''
1 Corinthians 13 (NKJV)
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