What Can I Do???

One of the primary purposes of this site is to provide hope and maybe a few answers to those questioning how they can get out of a dark situation or how they can help others get out of such a situation. I can't tell you how many times people have come to me and said, ''I know I can ask you this because you understand, but there's this kid in my class who has [x,y,z symptoms of self-injury], do you think they are hurting themselves? If so, what should I do?''

Songs such as ''The Last Night'' by Skillet and ''Scream'' by ZoeGirl all describe aspects of the issue of self injury in one way or another. In the midst of research and looking for resources (please see my updated Resources page) and stories of freedom and hope from others, I was reminded of several pieces of my story, and several things that others did to encourage me. I will write about some of them right now.

When I was 19 years old, I struggled with self injury in various ways. But one thing that I will never forget is the impact of several people, and one family in particular, on how I viewed myself. At one point during some of my darkest years I lived with a family who rented a room out of their house for me to use. They didn't just rent a room though, they tried, in every way possible, to minister to me on a level that I needed at the time. The parents in said family did everything they could to encourage me toward growth and change. These things including, but were not limited to, encouraging me to go to a Recovery group at my church while offering to help with transportation, being watchful of what was going on with me and being willing to confront me when my emotions were getting out of hand, and recommending doctors, counselors, and even in-patient treatment when things got complicated. But out of all the things they did, one stands out above the rest. One evening I had wounds on my arms, and the parents of this family sat, one on either side of me, and put antibiotic ointment on the wounds and then prayed for me. They told me, ''If Jesus walked into this room right now, the first thing He would do is not tell you to stop cutting. I think the first thing He would do is tend to your wounds.''

There was so much power in that...and a lot of truth. I saw the heart of Jesus through them in that moment. At the time I found the love of God difficult to believe. Amidst the lies I told myself, amidst the craving for anyone to show me any sort of care or love, somehow I was totally blinded to the fact the God loved me. And the fact that He would come and care that I was wounded, even though it was my own fault, was beyond anything I could have imagined. In a way, it's like what Lanae Hale discovered Psalm 147:3 ''He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds'' (NKJV) (See my last blog post here) and realized that God was God enough to heal her. To minister to the core of who she was and lead her to wholeness.

There was another woman whom God really used to show me his love. I still smile when I remember this...one day she said to me, ''I need to ask you something, don't get weirded out or anything...but I think God gave me this idea, and I really want to do it for you if it's OK with you.'' She explained to me that she'd bought an assortment of colored, permanent markers, and she wanted to use them to write truths about who I am in Christ anywhere on my body that I wanted to cut myself. The rule was I was NOT allowed to cut on the writing...sounds crazy, but it was a BEAUTIFUL thing for me. She wrote so many things, in so many colors (I LOVE colors!)...things like ''You're beautiful'' and ''You are a princess'' and ''no cutting.'' She told me ''You're going to cover your arms anyway, so you might as well cover up something good.'' She did that for me for probably about a year. Honestly, it was huge. First of all, it was accountability. I KNEW she was serious about me not behaving that way. And I knew it made her so happy when I told her I hadn't hurt myself. This was hugely motivating for me. But most significant in this, like the story above, was the fact that I had proof, physical, visual proof, that I was loved. A real, flesh and blood person loved me in a very tangible way, and it was a reminder of the oh-so-illusive fact that God, Himself loved me.

So what can you do? Maybe you can or maybe you can't encourage someone with those specific examples, but I think, for me anyway, the biggest thing I got from both was the knowledge that I was loved. It wasn't just words, it was actions. My heart's cry was a lot the same as JJ Heller expresses her in her song What Love Really Means (video below) and that was a heart cry that God answered through many people, including those listed above. I am so thankful to God for them and for the many others (and yes, there were MANY) who prayed for me, walked with me, answered my phone calls at 1 AM, talked me into hanging out with people, gave me a hug when I needed it most, didn't put up with the lies I told myself, and in many other ways loved me with the love of God. The first place to start is love.

''Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.''

1 Corinthians 13 (NKJV)

For People Like Kat...

Today I read some heartbreaking stories about people who are really hurting. There's a saying I've heard many times throughout many a recovery group, and from many a person, which states, ''hurt people hurt people.'' That is so true. I've been hurt, and I've hurt others. Sometimes we are so overcome by guilt that we want to die...as in the case of Kat...sometimes we are so overcome by shame that we want to take it out on ourselves in some way...as in the case of myself on many occasions...sometimes we are so overcome by pain that we want to take it out on others...as in the case of most of us at one time or another, in various ways and to differing degrees. Once I told a friend of mine, ''I just wish I could express to people, especially the really depressed ones, the ones so convinced that there is not any hope left for them, that there IS hope.'' To the moms who think their daughter will never return, to the dads who can't get past the guilt of leading their children wrong, to the children who can't move passed the pain they keep reliving...there's hope. I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds impossible to find sometimes, but as someone once told me, ''if you can't believe it for yourself, find someone who can believe it for you until you can too.'' That sounds a little weird, but it's true...and there've been many times when that's exactly what I needed to do...and that's what got me through. Not because I could see the light, but because someone else could. And I was able to trust them at some point.

Truth be told, I could tell my story over and over, working it into the ground, or I could diversify a bit and let you know that there's hope through the stories of others as well. For this reason, I want to begin sharing stories of others that I have found personally encouraging. The first is the story of Lanae Hale...

About four years ago, I heard a song called ''Back and Forth'' on the radio, written and sung by Lanae Hale (she has an amazing voice and I love her music...I would highly recommend you give it a listen!:) Imagine my surprise when I learned that she used to use self injury as a coping mechanism in a similar way that I had. She grew up in the church and loved God, but there was something missing, especially when she encountered difficulty in high school. That's when she started cutting herself. She used cutting to express her weakness in private so she could keep her strong face for everyone else. The problem was that in the long run, it didn't work, and the pattern, rather than giving her strength, made her increasingly weak. She was losing control. One day she found a verse, Psalm 147:3, and read ''He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds'' (NKJV). She describes how this was a sort of light-bulb moment for her when she realized that God was big enough and strong enough to heal her. So she asked Him to do just that. And he did. He began to heal and restore her, through a process, to a place of wholeness. Please read Lanae's story in her own words on her own website here or listen to it on youtube here.

Please know, please understand, please rest assured, that there is hope. I know it first hand. So does Lanae, and so do many, many others.

Blessings,

Hopeful

'Tween this side and the other,
We walk a lonely path.
Hooks here and there are bated,
We walk but hold our breath
Until we find a purpose
When, seeing hooks are lies
To keep us old, outdated,
We see their mean disguise.

Created for creating,
And loved to love again,
We're healed to help another
And learn to dream again.
So on and on continue,
Keep walking straight and tall.
Remember, keep on walking,
Yes, even when you fall.
By Hopeful

Don't Forget in the Darkness...

Yes, you remember days of sunshine...those glorious days when the wind whipped through your hair and the sun kissed your cheeks. The days when you smiled because you just couldn't help yourself. It was in those days you knew the sun was shining, and would continue to shine, even if clouds interrupted the rays; even if night interrupted the days. Then you could see clearly; as from a mountain top you can see the valley clearly. Then you knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that maybe night would come, but it wouldn't last forever.

Now all that is left of those days is a vague memory. What you see now is darkness. No sun in sight, no hope of seeing it any time soon. Now what you see is dull grey. This night hasn't just been the length of one evening, it's lasted for days...no months...no, maybe it's even been years...you can't remember right now...maybe if you counted the raindrops you would be able to use that number to calculate the number of minutes you've been sitting like this...starring into space, starring at nothing in particular, just taking in the scene before your eyes...the scene of darkness. At one time, you were waiting for light, but you've forgotten what you're waiting for now. And then, like anyone in their right mind, you begin to think of what you can do to keep yourself alive, to remember how to feel, to remember how to feel, well, anything, I guess...because any feeling, any emotion, is better than this nothingness. Any feeling is better than this heavy blackness you feel. So rather than waiting, you put yourself to the task of making yourself feel again. Maybe you spy an ice cream stand on your way home from work. Maybe one of those lovely drive thrus with two golden arches is welcoming you in. Maybe you see a pastry store, or one of those Frosties enticing you from a window with a sign that says ''ONLY $0.99!'' That, for sure, would make you feel. So you spend the $0.99...a small price to pay for some glimpse of happiness. You begin to enjoy the first bite, but you can't quite do it. All you can think of is getting it all in your mouth as fast as you can.... And then you want more...but you know you shouldn't. So you drive away, thinking longingly of the happiness you didn't enjoy but think you might if you try again. Maybe you try other things...things in the dark that no one sees. Like the ice cream, they seem nice, but instead of enjoyment, what you get is a deeper emptiness, a deeper darkness. But it comes with some promise, some assurance that if you try again it will be different. Ah, insanity...the idea that I can do the exact same thing again and again but get a result that I've never experienced before. You'd forgotten that feeling...it's been a while since you felt it...but it feels like it's welcoming you home. Yes, yes...you can live like this again. Sure, it's darkness, but it's safe now. It's not just darkness, you have a mission, a job. You have somewhere to go, something to pursue. That all elusive, yet oh-so-close ideal, of happiness.

And then you remember the words of a wise woman in your ear...''Don't forget...'' but you can't remember the rest. All you can remember is that you must have forgotten something. What could it be? Your car keys? Your makeup? No...it was something much more serious than that. Much more profound. You can feel it. What am I forgetting? Your concentration is no longer on the darkness...you're trying to figure out what you've forgotten, what you've lost between now and before. ''...remember the light.'' An old memory flits across the screen of your mind...there's a mountain field, and you're in it. You're running through the wildflowers.... But the memory is foggy now, the details are blurry. Wait! Now you remember what you've forgotten...the sun...there is a sun. You knew once it would shine!...but you must have been mistaken. It hasn't shined for, well, you can't even remember for how long. Ugh. You turn back to the darkness, brushing the memory aside like a hot potato...yet as you turn, you remember her words...''Don't forget in the dark what you knew in the light.'' You whip around, on your feet...oh NO! You did it again! You forgot again! But how to remember? You look into the darkness, deep into it...and you see a small ray of light glimmering there...Yes, you think to yourself, once there was light. Perhaps there is yet light for me... and you walk toward it.

Speaking Straight

It's time I got back to the original purpose of this blog...and tell you just a bit of my story. I originally wrote this blog to encourage people struggling with various and sundry things. The inspiration for this blog was my own personal story. I used to be what they call a ''cutter.'' But more than that, as the (modified) saying goes, ''Confused was my name, self harm was my game. I want to be far more intentional with this blog, and far more to the point. Up until now, I've put vague things on this blog; vague ideas, vague suggestions, and vague hints of hope. But most of the time, in my experience anyway, vague really doesn't cut it. There's something about ''direct-and-to-the-point'' that I've always appreciated. So right now, sitting in my apartment with some amount of ''free time'' on my hands, let me be direct-and-to-the-point. If you are struggling with depression, self injury, OCD, anxiety, eating struggles (too much, or too little), if you have been ''diagnosed'' with some type of psychiatric diagnosis (and there are many including but not limited to depression, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, OCD, anxiety, and many more) then I would encourage you to read the following story. I'm not going to sit here and tell you what you should or shouldn't do, what medication ''works best,'' what support group I went to or avoided. I'm not going to complain about my life or brag about my problems. I'm not going to complain about my childhood, and I'm not going to blame God, my friends, or my family for the choices I made, consciously or subconsciously. I'm going to tell you a story, I'm going to tell you what I've discovered and am discovering. You can take it or leave it at your discretion...and yes, you do have discretion believe it or not; and you can make decisions for either good or ill.

When I was 14ish I was wrestling in my mind with many questions. I've always liked information said to me straight, disliking when people beat around the bush expecting me to pick up on their message. At the time, I felt very much like things weren't being told to me straight. And for this reason and that, I took it out primarily on God, first, and my parents second.

...now HOLD on...yes, I just said God, which presupposes that there is one. Some of you reading this may still be stuck on THAT question (which is fine so long as you seek an answer instead of staying stuck there). So before I go further let me say this: I'm not going to try to convince you that there is or isn't a God. Let me speak to you straight once again. If you want to pick a fight by arguing, there's no fight here; take that up with someone else. If you legitimately want to know if there is a God, I've got a solution...If God is who He says He is (and He says, ''If you seek me you will find me'') then I, the author of one blog, am not the answer to your deepest questions. But I will say this...if you want to know if God is real or not, speculatively speaking don't you think you can ask Him? If God doesn't exist, there will certainly be no harm in asking. And if He does exist, then I'm thinking He's God enough to deal with your questions, your anger, and your fear...in His time, in His way, and on His terms. But within that, know that the God I know is a God of mercy. When I finally asked, He answered, in His time, the questions I struggled with most. I still have questions, I still don't know many answers. But I know a lot more than I used to, and, most importantly, I know enough to walk forward.

That being said, on to the story. I walked away from religion and God, along with any semblance of ''family'' I'd had just prior to that. My family is cool. I like my brothers and sisters and parents most of the time...now. At that time, I wasn't so interested in them. And, besides, it's fun to have a story, right? So, as I was angry, young, and impulsive, I did a lot of stuff that I look back on now and can only say was foolishness. In my 14-17 year old mind, however, it made all kinds of sense. Lesson number one (here's the speaking straight part): just because you feel smart doesn't mean you are.

''What did she do?'' you might be asking. Lots of things. But the point of this story is not WHAT I did, but WHY I stopped. (You'll notice I didn't say HOW at this point...more to follow on that). You already know enough about me to know I had issues...had? I guess I still do, but they are different. Probably in ten years I could write a blog about my now issues just like now I'm writing about my then ones:). So imagine this...foolishness, bad decisions, and a few consequences later (oh, yeah, and did I mention a few YEARS as well?) I'm out back...WAY back in the back yard (something like 5 acres I believe) and I'm getting ready to enter into ''foolish-phase-four'' (to be honest, I don't know what number it was, but it was passed two for sure). And I was getting ready to enter into addiction number...let me think...4 ish? And that's when I was shaken to my senses. I am NOT the girl who preaches about how God talks to you audibly, nor how, if you dance hard enough, stay on your knees long enough, etc., God will do what you want. Far from it. But every now and then, God has communicated with me straight-and-to-the-point. Why? My guess is because that's how He created me. (Please don't wait for Him to copy the methods He used with me on you. He might pick a much more personal way to get YOUR attention).

Ok, back to the story...getting ready to enter addiction number 4, right? And God spoke to my heart, ''If you keep going down this path, you'll die.'' There you go...straight-and-to-the-point. And straight to my heart. But there was one problem...''God, I HATE YOU!''...but....''but if You're not who people have made you out to be, I need you to show me.''

(Like I said, if God is God, He can deal with you and you're questions and issues with Him. And you might as well speak to Him straight, although with the utmost respect, because He, out of anyone, knows exactly what's going on in your mind anyway).

The next couple of months God DID show me with stories, with people, etc. One of my biggest struggles at the time was the idea of coming back to God meaning I had to be a ''Perfect Christian'' again, with all the real and perceived pressures and pain that comes with being the daughter of church leadership. This legitimate fear God addressed directly, leaving me without excuse. Imagine this...it's the first day of speech class. Mrs. Smith says, ''welcome to speech class! You're first assignment, and the one assignment that will define you're grade for the rest of the course, is as follows: you have one minute to prepare a 20 minute speech. Have fun!''

WHAT? That's just ridiculous...but that's what I expected God to tell me about Christian life. And He used the speech class analogy to show me that that's NOT who He is, nor should I fear that He is like Mrs. Smith in said analogy.

And then I knew I had to make a decision...I could follow God, or I could continue to walk away from Him. But I also knew, and still know, that walking away from Him would lead to one place...death. So, I went back to Him.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything got better after that. Well, it did for a while, but then it got even HARDER in many ways (enter in more foolish decisions on my part, along with the repercussions of prior foolish decisions). But there was a difference...I wasn't running away from God, I was running toward Him. Well, at least most of the time.

So how (yes, this time I said how) did I ditch the...was it 4?...addictions? I don't have an easy answer. I didn't just stop, although I think I probably could have had I really wanted to. It took 3 years to work through the self harm issue. It was AFTER many trips here and there. It was after being told, straight, that ''it doesn't matter what happened to you, but how you choose to deal with it.'' And, finally, it took a woman whom I loved dearly to tell me I could keep buying knives as long as I wanted but it would get me nowhere. It was then I realized that her love wasn't hinging upon me having a problem. If anything, my ''problem'' was hurting the relationship not helping it; though I knew she would love and care for me regardless, even if it was ''tough love'' that was required. (She was a ''mom'' type friend. You know, the kind who gives you a ''mom hug'' when you need it most and your mom is inaccessible? Yup, a big blessing).

So I never cut again...well ALMOST never. Here is my little confessional...that was in 2009. In 2010 I started to twice. In 2011 I started to again. And in 2013 (Oh, wait, that's this year! ugh!) I started to again. But thanks be to God for His Sovereign hand. Thank God for lightbulb moments when I asked myself WHAT am I doing? Thank God for the friends who I could e-mail to genuinely ask for prayer. Thank God for the pastors who called at those ''random'' moments when I didn't want to use my head anymore. Thank God for the friends who were willing to look me straight in the eye and say, ''STOP! I don't know why you're back to that dark place, but STOP!'' As I said...speak straight! Yup, I might cry, but it's better than me keeping on keeping on in foolishness. So when I say I started, I must tell you, with so much relief and thankfulness, that I didn't slide back to the pattern of continuing it...and that is Mercy!

So here's my moment to speak straight with you. Yup, sometimes life stinks. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. Sometimes the darkness crowds in. Sometimes we make choices we regret. Don't finish there. Don't keep walking if you see the light is red. STOP! For crying out loud, just STOP. And if you have that annoying feeling that you just CAN'T stop, than find help...the real kind of help from people who will tell you what you NEED to hear, not what you WANT to hear. And LISTEN to what they say...even if it takes you 3 days to admit what they said was true.

On Giants and Other Life Ponderings

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I wrote this November of last year...well, all except the last two sentences, which I added today because I never actually finished the article. How much has changed in a year! But as I was reading it, I thought it best to publish it. Hopefully someone can benefit from it.

You know, a year ago, today, I was probably raking leaves or cooking dinner, or enjoying a movie, maybe I was dancing with abandon, because no one was watching me. I don't know. But looking back, I see that a lot has changed. It's funny, sometimes, to look at the past and see how different it was. It's funny to look at the future and see what it could be...what's different yet is to look at the present and see what it might have been...today is one of those days. But rather than say "today might have been the day that..." I can say "today is the day of God's faithfulness.
   The Israelites were taken out of Egypt...God performed many miraculous signs and wonders to accomplish this. So the people were taken out. Then they were taken through the desert, past mount Sainai, where God gave them the 10 commandments (which they broke before they even heard), and finally they get to the promised land! Yay!!!! But, wait. They're not quite IN yet. They've come to the edge, the brink, they can almost taste it! So they send out spies...12 to be exact, one representative from each family clan, so to speak, and the job of the spies is to find out what they're up against...to see how powerful their enemies are, and see what the land is like. Well, the land is amazing! Truly, it flows with milk and honey, just as they had been promised...but I guess the people of the land ate plenty of that wonderful produce, because they were giants. And 10 of the 12 representatives got really scared. See, they started looking at those giants and chickened out. So what if God had promised them the land...I mean, REALLY? Did He really expect them to win against such giants? Especially when we weren't just talking about 1 galiath here...but whole cities full? What were they against so great (literally) a force? So they went back to the people and told them how the land was good, but unatainable. And the people freaked out. They complained, they wept (I mean, literally wept and mourned!) because they decided it was impossible to receive what God had promised. Just impossible. That's when two of the 12 stepped up...Numbers 14:8-9a records a bit of this conversation, "If the Lord delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, 'a land which flows with milk and honey.' Only do not rebel against the Lord, nor fear the people of the land, for they are our bread;" (NKJV). But the people didn't beleive them. They rebelled against God...after all, they were just using their heads! The ones God gave them to think with! But rather than looking at God who made those heads to think with, they looked at the giants that could, potentially, crush those thinking tanks. And they froze up and decided to grumble and complain against God. And, that was it. God was merciful, He didn't kill them all then and there (although He wanted to), instead He decided to let them wander in the desert...they didn't want His promise, so be it...maybe their children would, after living in tents for 40 years. Uh, yeah. If my parants made a bad life choice like that, I'd like to think I would learn from it!
   Ok, so hold on...that's a nice story and everything, but how does it translate? To me? Now? Is that me? "God, that land looks nice...I mean it's all you've promised me...abundant life, protection, hope, peace, all that stuff...sounds good...but, uh, you want me to what? Leave home? Ok, no prob..." (10 days later) "ok, maybe a little problem..." (10 days later) "ok, maybe a bigger problem...God you forgot to tell me where I'm going." (2 days later) "I'm super excited, Lord, now I know where I'm going, but there's one thing missing...today was supposed to be my wedding day! You took the man, you took the family, you took the home, the car, the job, the life, and now I'm wandering off into the desert to the promised land, and all those promises seem lost. How will I ever get married if you take me away from everyone I've ever known?" Did Ruth ask this? Or did she obey? Did Mary ask this? Or did she believe? Do not run from the promised land just because you have to fight giants to get there. If God brings you to the land, He will make a way in.

Running Shoes

This week, God asked me to give up my running shoes. In my mind, I was thinking more of the Runaway Bride than turning in some grass stained track shoes that my brother might have worn during his cross country meets. In this movie, Maggie Carpenter has a problem. For every man who loves her, for every man whom she walks down the isle for, she gets panicked and runs, rides, rushes away as fast as she can before she has a chance to say "I do." You see, Maggie has a problem really being herself. And when push comes to shove, she realizes that the men who have waited for her at the end of the isle don't really know her. So, filled with terror and regret, she runs like there's no tomorrow!

And, while I've never run out on a wedding, I've run out on a lot of other things. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally and mentally, but the results are the same. I never could really believe that I was safe. Until a couple of days ago, when God brought up the issue of fear in me...fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal, fear of shattered dreams, fear of life, and pretty much anything else you can think of. And as I noticed this fear sneaking into a very important relationship, hindering them from flourishing, I knew I had to speak up and tell a very important person to me that I was operating in fear. And after telling him, and after praying about it for a couple of days, God showed me something very important. Afraid, I might be, but run I cannot!

You see, in my mind I've always been a runner (though put me in an honest to goodness pair of running shoes and I'll give you a thousand reasons why I just can't go outside and jog a mile:-)). For many years, that's how I've stayed safe. If someone was causing my heart pain, I would leave them there, in that room, and let my mind disappear into peaceful oblivion. Sound familiar? Sound crazy? Well, there it is. And sometimes, when I was so overwhelmed I just could not face what was in front of me, my jaw would set and I would, quite literally, walk out of the room, sometimes almost shaking, because I just didn't know what else I could possibly do.

So when God asked me to give him my running shoes, like Maggie, it wasn't such a crazy request...She NEEDED to give up her running shoes! And she gave them to the man who married her. For her, that was a very important choice. And for him that was the most meaningful gift she could have given. Why? Because she basically told him, in one bold action, "I'm choosing to trust that you have my best at heart. I'm choosing to love you even if it hurts because, if I don't, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. So even though this is the hardest, most painful thing for me to give up (because it's been my safety net each time until now) I have to give them to you. If I don't, I'll never really get to know that it's ok." And I, like Maggie, had to give God my running shoes. He showed me this...for many years, those shoes kept me emotionally safe. I used those shoes to protect my heart. But my continual use of them created a pattern in me. A pattern of NEVER trusting anyone, not even God, to care for me. I always had to be ready to run. And if I could run, I would be safe. I'd say things like, "Oh, if this doesn't work our, it's fine. I can just leave."

So a couple of nights ago, I gave God my running shoes. And you know what, He showed me a very freeing thing, "My precious daughter, you are safe now. You don't need those anymore. I've got you." Am I gonna get hurt? Probably. But God's gonna take me away if it's necessary, I don't have to run. I cannot tell you how freeing it was to give those shoes up. I clung to them for years as my one sure and certain safety, never realizing that the one thing I clung to to keep my freedom, was the one thing that kept me bound. I cannot tell you how much emotional energy it takes to be ready to run on a moments notice! I'm so excited to see what God does in me...what He does now that I've stopped running.:-)

In Christ,
Hopeful